On Body Image Issues
- On May 26, 2011
- By Kate
- In Personal & Life
28
I need to be honest. I have been having a lot of self image and confidence issues the last 3-4 months. I am not 100% sure the reasons for this, as I have rarely suffered from such issues in the past. I suspect that some of it has to due with a recent weight gain of 5-7 pounds, which finally pushed me over into the next pant size (which as many women know, can be traumatic). On top of that, my skin has also been acting up, behaving like a 13 year old boy going through puberty, making it very hard for me to even want to get out of bed in the morning, let alone show my face outside of the house. Regardless of why these feelings and issues are cropping up, dealing with them has been extremely difficult, and exhausting, not only for myself, but those who care about me as well.
Growing up I was always an extremely slender girl. Up until I was about 15 I was barely breaking 5 feet and 90 pounds. I even received a nickname as a result of my size….”Elfy”. Then I hit a growth spurt, sprouting up to about 5’5” in a matter of a year. Over the next couple of years I gained another inch an half, bringing me to my current height of 5′ 6 1/2”, where I have remained since I was 17. Despite gaining a total of 6 1/2 inches in less than 3 years, I only gained 20 pounds, and spent all of high school, and the majority of college at 110 pounds. I remember once I went to donate blood when I was attending University. I got turned away because I didn’t weigh enough. I was a size 0 or 2 for as long as I remember. After I graduated college and moved into the working world, where I was sitting behind a desk every day and exercising far less, I gained 10 pounds, putting me at 120, and hovering between a size 2 and 4. It remained this way for another 2 years. And then, I hit 23.
Seemingly overnight my metabolism plummeted. In only a two months I gained ten pounds, putting me at 130. I was still a size 4 for the majority of my clothes, with the rare size 6. I definitely felt meatier, but I was still comfortable with my body and who I was. This was in the late Fall of 2009. It is now a year and a half later and a lot has changed since then. Though I have only gained another 5-7 pounds, putting me at roughly 135-137 depending on the day, I am now firmly a size 6, unable to squeeze my butt, hips and thighs into the size 4 pants I own. Clothes that I bought just six months ago no longer fit. My favorite jeans, which I used to wear on my “bloated days” because they had a little extra room to them, are now tight. Shirts that used to be huge on me in my waist/stomach area, are now snug, to the point of discomfort. I can’t explain how very difficult it has been for me to come to terms with this. I still haven’t completely done so.
Each day is a struggle. At first, I just put all my clothes I could no longer fit into into storage. But after they sat there for 6+ months never getting worn, I knew it was time to get rid of them. And so they went to the local Goodwill. For awhile I couldn’t even replace them, terrified of shopping and having to try on new clothes that were larger sizes, knowing that it would demolish the tiny bit of self confidence that remained. So I wore the same few items over and over. I have come to realize this is not a way to live. I need to stop hating myself, my body. I need to embrace who I am, regardless of the extra few pounds I have gained. I need to realize that our bodies change over time, and that is ok. I need to stop comparing myself to others. I need to stop letting society tell me that loosing or gaining a few pounds is a bad thing. I need to stop letting other people tell me that the way I look is not good enough.
So what is the point of this? We need to remember that many people, not just women, struggle with these issues and feelings at some point in their life. It is not just those who are at the extremes, the extremely overweight or underweight folks, that experience this. It is everyone in between as well. And there is no age limit to when you can experience these issues. For some they first experience it when they are pre-teens or teenagers (or even younger). For others, it may develop later in their life. And some people were able to conquer their issues, and find inner peace. Others still struggle with it every day. Every person is different. Their bodies are different, and their minds are different. And it is important to remember that. You should tell someone that they are too fat, or too thin (remember, hearing you are too thin can hurt as much as hearing you are too fat). How do you know they are too fat or thin? If a person feels happy with themselves and they are healthy, then their size matters not.  Just because you think a size 12 is “fat” or “too big” does not mean it is. For some women, their bodies will NEVER allow them to be smaller than a size 12 because they have large hips, or a luscious booty, while others struggle to ever gain a pound, and can never find clothes small enough for them. And as long as their goals are healthy, you should never criticize someone for what they aim to achieve with their bodies. If someone feels like at a size 8 they are too thin, and would like to be a size 10 or 12, that is fine! And if another person feels that at a size 8 they are uncomfortable and would prefer to be a size 6 or 4, as long as it is possible for their body and they approach it in a healthy way, that is okay too.
What it comes down to is do not ever let anyone tell you are too fat, or too thin, Do not let them tell you are not beautiful. Do not let them tell you that you are an amazing human being.
For me personally, I am slowly coming to terms with the changes in my body. I have come to realize that I am older and my metabolism has significantly slowed. I now know that I have to watch what I eat much more closely. And I am coming to realize that reaching a size 4 again is likely impossible for me, even if I were drop the 5-7 pounds, my body has changed too much over the years.  And this is okay. Slowly but surely I am learning to love myself, love handles and all.
What about you? Have you ever struggled with body image issues? Were you able to find peace, or do you still struggle?
You can find part two, a “screw you” to numbers and labels, here.
Bloo
After high school pretty much the same thing happened to me. I was super thin if you remember, but now I steadily gain weight. It’s quite embarrassing to say, but with my rapid weight gain I have even gotten stretch marks. Now I know I’m no way fat, but to me if feels that way. I don’t have people telling me I’m fat, I personally feel that way. I’m now in a size 10-12. Maybe it is all the ads and culture around us, but its frustrating for me to buy clothes. The clothes and stores I like, well sometimes I can barely fit in them, if at all. Shopping does make me depressed even though I love buying new clothes. I’m a rather short person as well only being 5’4″. It’s sad to say, but I’m not happy with my body. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone in this. But why do we do this to ourselves. Why do clothing companies have to cut off clothing at a certain size and then not even carry anything larger.
I would love to be more healthier tho and loose a little weight. But I feel the lifestyle I have right now does not allow me time to do so.
Thanks for sharing tho
Kate
Its funny how even though were were not close in high school, our lives have seemingly taken similar paths.
I don’t know why society and clothing companies have to treat women as they do. Society especially is terrible about, basically saying that a woman over size 2 or 4 is too large. What really bothers me is that a “plus sized” model is actually size 8-12. This gives the impression that those sizes are considered “plus” or overweight, when that is not true. They are completely normal and average.
I also know what you mean about lifestyle not allowing us to be healthy or exercise. I simply have no time in my day, unless I want to sacrifice sleep. I wake up at 8 am, am on the train for work at 9 am, get to work at 10 am…and then I don’t get home until 7:30 pm. By then I am exhausted from work and commuting. If I work out, even an hour, that means I don’t eat until 9 or so, which then gives me heartburn when I go to sleep around 11 to 12. I want to exercise, I do, but there is simply no time to.
Keith
You gave me something I might want to blog about myself, Kate.
Body image is such a tough issue. You know I’ve had had some major surgeries. I have a horribly scared chest. I simply, hate, hate, hate it. I hate that I’ve never been able to tone my muscles, build some abs. I’m a boy, I’m supposed to, right? That’s what society says. But, I physically cannot by medical standards.
People think only women are subjected to body image. It’s true, women do get subjected to a high amount. But, males do too. We’re expected to be muscles by society. We’re expected to be men, and hairy. We’re expected to be able to grow and keep an awesome beard by society. But, as of late, clean shaven is great, yes.
But, as a boy, issues of body image has come up often. Really, as a boy it comes down to what can you physically do? That is where our body image lies. We have hair dictation. I was cursed with naturally curly hair. As a boy? It is the worst possible type of hair. Brown eyes? Boring, everyone has them.
I suffer from hearing problems, so I have these hearing aids. You know how ugly it is to have something stuck in your ear just so you can hear? How many people just ignore you over the simple fact they think you’re completely deaf?
Body image relates strongly to physical appearance to me. It’s a tough issue. I wish I can fix it. I wish I can make my scars disappear. Seems we’re far too dictated.
Kate
You are right, it is not just women who suffer from these issues, men do too, and it is not talked about enough. I would say the same thing to you, that I would to a woman suffering from these issues. NEVER let anyone tell you that you are not good enough. That you are too thin, or too hairless, or that your hair is curly. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you are anything less that awesome.
My brother has a very large scar on his chest from an open heart surgery he had when he was only 6 months old. He struggled with it for a very long time, but has recently learned to wear it with courage. Its part of who he is, and when people pick on him for it, he just tells them where to stick it.
Hearing aids are hard, but you know what, my Dad has one, and when I was little, I used to think it made him super human. As a little girl I used to press my cheek to his hear so I could make the hearing aid whistle.
For a great blogger who deals with image for both women and men, check out this dude.
james
i struggle every day with self image. it’s not fun by any means. i am starting to exercise more and watch portion sizes. i am doing what i can and i am hoping that the weight will come off. its so hard to leave the house some days. its so hard to let my husband see me like this.
Kate
Aww sweetie, I do know how you feel. My image issues are something that effect my relationship with my boyfriend as well. I know he loves me the way I am, and thinks I am beautiful, but its hard to realize that when I am not happy with myself.
I think it is great that you are trying to find ways to improve your happiness. A good tip my friend taught me…don’t think of working out as losing weight, think of it as getting healthier. It makes it more enjoyable and less disappointing if the results don’t come right away. But remember, no matter what, you are beautiful and amazing.
Catherine
I love this post! I had an eating disorder in my late teens/early 20s, and even now I struggle. When I met my SO (almost 2 years ago) I let myself eat foods I had not eaten in years, and bigger sizes (he’s 6’5″ and big anyway, so needs to eat more than me – not helpful!
). As a result, I put on quite a bit of weight, but it seems to have levelled out at a weight that I like to think my body is comfortable at – even though sometimes I still get those moments of panic, especially when I see in photos that I am obviously bigger than I used to be. It’s a day-by-day struggle, but I am fairly happy with how I am now and I love my food too much to give much up! 
Kate
Thank you for the thoughtful comment. I am glad that you were able to overcome your E.D., even though I know that it will always be a struggle and and worry for you. I admire your strength and power for doing so, and for forming a positive relationship with food, a relationship that you have even come to enjoy!
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yaga
I feel like there is no one in this world who doesn’t have issues with something concerning their body. Isn’t it kind of sad? I cold say it’s society and the companies that do all the bad, but society, isn’t that us? so it’s ultimately a vicious spiral, our selfconsciousness fueling the pressure of society and v.v. The thought that always gives me strength when I’m feeling completely down and even unable to buy bread because I’m so shy is: I don’t want my kids to grow up with this!
(I don’t have any kids yet, but hey, preparation is everything!)
;o)
Kate
You are quite right! I don’t want my kids to have these kinds of issues either, but if they do, I want them to know I will be there for them, no matter what.
Blog love « Oh, Say Can You Say?
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Marzipan
Thanks for your honesty with this post. Changes in our bodies can be so difficult to cope with, particularly when you’ve been the same size for quite some time. Logistically, the clothing issue is what is hardest for me. I love all of my clothes, and I hate having to buy new ones due to weight fluctuation. Love the overall message of your post! Good luck.. xoxo
Kate
Thank you so much for reading this, and taking the time to comment. And yes, the clothing thing is what depresses me the most too, because I am very frugal and love all my clothes so much, so buying new ones are not really something I enjoy.
WendyB
Expect to keep hitting ages at which you see a big slowdown in metabolism! Never seems to be on the even age numbers when you’d be more prepared for it. It really hit me in the past year (43), where I was basically the same weight but a different shape. I had to get much more serious at the gym and give up a lot of the junk food. Making that effort helped me a lot. I’d been kind of dragging through workouts, not really putting any muscle into it. Being scared I would grow out of my clothes lit a fire under me.
Kate
I know my body is going to continue to change as I get older, which is terrifying for me, since I am having so much trouble dealing with it right now. My other problem is that I am lazy, and struggling to find the motivation to work out. But luckily, my boyfriend is amazing and going to help me with this.
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Naomi
Sometimes it’s a struggle for me to hear that women smaller than me have body issues. I was a size 4 in high school, but mostly due to being bulimic and depressed. Now 10 years, 2 kids, 20 moves and a whole lot of stress later I am struggling to come back down from a size 10 without resorting to ED again. It’s a lot of trial and error for me. But I am glad you can actually talk about it and shown that every body can have issues with hownthey look. Even those that are beautiful by societies standards. It just goes to show that we really all are beautiful and need to remind each other often!
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Alicia - Sea Of Ghosts
About a year ago I put on about 10lbs onto my 120lbs frame and suffered a tremendous confidence drop when I couldn’t squeeze into any of my clothes.
It’s so hard to explain and justify these emotions to people who only see you as “slim” whether you’re 110, 120 or 130lbs because they can’t acknowledge the fact that although it’s “all slim” to them – 10lbs on a small frame is a lot!!
I put myself on a low-carb diet (which I am still on now that I have lost the weight, although not as strict as when I first begun) and the judgement I experience when explaining “oh I can’t eat that, I’m on a diet” is almost as damaging as the weight gain!
We all experience body image issues irrespective of our size. Thank you so much for sharing your story.
Kate
Exactly! A lot of people tend to forget that 10 pounds when you are “slim” is a lot, and it can shatter self confidence so very easily.
I am glad you took steps to feel more comfortable with your body with the diet, and don’t let ANYONE ever tell you what you are doing is wrong…especially if you are being healthy.
stephanie
oh my. i arrived at this post via a link and had to read it twice, it was just that wonderful. thank you for this.
i’m 23 and moved overseas about 9 months ago. thanks to lifestyle/metabolism changes, i’ve gained about 13 lbs here. i’m little–5’0″–and used to being about 105 and a comfortable size 0. after wearing holes in my two stretchy pairs of jeans (since none of my other pants fit my anymore), i finally gave in and bought new ones, as well as new tops–most about a size 4. the whole experience was a little traumatizing.
i eat relatively well and i try to stay active, so in some ways i think this is just my body responding to a new environment (this happened once before on a 5-month stint of living abroad). my bmi is still in the healthy range. a size 4 is hardly a sign of obesity. and because of that, sometimes i feel guilty just for wanting to return to my “natural” 0. if i voice my worries/insecurities, people tell me it’s silly to want to be thinner when i’m a size 4. how do i explain that it’s not the number that i care about, but the way i feel like i’m trapped in a body i don’t recognize…? you are so right here: “as long as their goals are healthy, you should never criticize someone for what they aim to achieve with their bodies.”
Kate
I am so glad you found my post and took the time to read it, and leave a comment. It means a lot to me. And I am glad that you were able to find value in it.
A lot of people don’t realize that even “smaller” women and girls can deal with these self confidence issues. I know some people feel that if you are under a size 8 or so, you have no right to complain or feel unhappy. But everyone is different. And if someone feels uncomfortable in their body, then that is what matters, not the number.
Stephanie
Once I reached puberty, my body did a complete change and I have been hovering around a size 12/14 ever since. I’ve always had a meh relationship with my body. I didn’t like it and would get jealous of girls that where skinnier than me. But I didn’t do anything to try to change it. In the past couple of years I have been more accepting of my body and it’s better to be healthy than thinking of trying to fit into a size 8 jean. But I’ll admit that I still suck in my stomach when I take pictures.
Thanks for writing this because I know that I’m note alone when it comes to issues like this.
Kate
Thank you for reading and leaving a comment. It means a lot to me. And no, you definitely not alone. So many women deal with issues like this.
Jamie Rose
Such a great post. I feel like everybody will always have something about their body that they’re unhappy with, but we have to learn to accept those things and look at the positive things. I know when people struggle with weight gain it’s hard to look at any positive side of it, but maybe they have more curves than they used to and that can be quite sexy. Plus people look at others with less scrutiny than they look at themselves. You’re still beautiful even at a size larger than you’re comfortable!
Kate
Thank you for taking the time to read my post, and for your thoughtful comment. I do feel that my curves could be sexier, I just need to learn how to dress for them now.